Ungodly Hour

Have you ever felt so unwanted? And it feels like the whole world is denying you and everybody is leaving you. That everything is not exactly like it used to be, like you want it to be. And it just feels like you want to leave everything behind, give everything up, because all this is so not fair to you. And you want to fix it. But you don't know how. And even if you know how, you don't know if it'll work. All you know is that you want to be through with this and go back to what it used to be. Because your past is so much better than this.

I know, I'm too strong to give up. So I'm still holding on. I'm holding on to the people I love, to the things I love, to everything, that I look so pathetic. I have been my worst self lately. It's like I have a reminder in my head that reminds me every second of my life that I'm a mess. This isn't right. And the worst part is that you can't do anything about it. Maybe I can try and convince myself that it's all gonna be okay, but the truth is it isn't and it won't be okay.
This is too pointless.

I have too many things in my head. I have so much to say to everybody. But I just can't get the right words. I can't get anything right and it sucks. It sucks that I can't explain what I feel. It sucks that every time I want to explain everything, it just disappears. Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm not. Who knows? I don't even know anymore.

But you told me to hold on. So I guess I'd try. Happy birthday, A.

But it turns out some people can't be fixed...

- Caroline Forbes